Here's how we fucking did it. I'm showing you how - you should ask yourselfwhy.
First - get some mother-fucking plywood. Enough to fit your beelubbering body on. This thing is going to be heavy as fuck when you've finished, and look brutal as a minotaur on GHB. Measure out points for holes - 1"square and then one in the middle. Use a fucking ruler or a length of fucking wood. The extra nail in the middle helps with bodily weight distribution but doubles the weight of the bed. Obv! Work out what size nail you need - we wanted 8 inch ones but apparently they only exist in the dreams of, well, people who like longer than usual nails. Pay particular attention to the width - your cunnylicking drill holes are going to want to be the exact same width as the bollocking nails. Then drill the fucking holes.
Ever notice how nails slightly resemble penises? My teenage daughter has and giggles about this loudly all day when you're making a fucking bed of nails.
Next step: Employ a willing helper, or bribe/blackmail an unwilling one. Imagine you are at dentist training school. Dentist drills, and assistant sucks. More tittering from teenagers present due to inadvertent sexual euphemisms:
Ok mother-fuckers, you now have a fuck ton of holes drilled and no mess. YOU CAN THANK ME WITH CASH.
Of course - you have been posting assmunching updates all over social media, like we did. These will include witty commentary thus:
Bed of No More Nails
After you've had a good old belly laugh with anyone who will listen about your bitchtitting hilarity, get on with knocking in those fucking nails. You will need about forty hours, unless you have some of these at your disposal:
Yes, the bastard teenagers come in handy once in a while. I take back what I said about sending them out at 13 to the fucking wilderness to be hunted by Minotaurs on GHB.
They will get bored and slope off to eat lollipops and blush at tits in horror movies once the sun goes down, so carry on knocking in those nails yourself, like the good cocknosed robot you are.
Once you've hit 1,825 nails nearly 7,300 times, you have something which, when you turn it over, and throw a cockwaffling potato at it, looks like this:
This is when you realise, you've nowhere to store it, and it's dangerous as fuck, to the point if you fall on the thing, you will, at the very fucking least, sustain terrible and grotesque injuries which will render you severely disabled, although not severe enough to pass an ATOS test, as you still have the use of your mother-fucking big toe, and therefore can type twatflapping words on a computer screen with it.
You lie on it anyway:
And declare it "just fine" so as to not loose face after spending over £200 in nails and two days worth of effort.
We're fucking idiots. If you follow these instructions you're a fucking idiot too and there really is no hope left for the twonkfarting human race.
Ah, busking. What don't I owe this profession?
The very common misconception that it is any number (and more) of the following:
Lets break this down:
If anyone (or no one) reading this cares to add to this list - please do. One day, someone may gain some insight from it.. also if anyone wants to link to other busking blog posts or articles please do, I will be most appreciative and remember you in my prayers.
Moving on - I'd now like to tell you why I love busking and street art and performance so much.. and list the gifts the street has given me:
A lot of venues do not have the funds to pay for upcoming performers, and whilst open mike nights serve a purpose - your slot is limited, as is your audience.
I tell you now - once you have pulled a track together enough to play it reasonably well all the way through, you will NOT get better practice experience than whilst on the street. You get good - fast. And you get paid to do so. Please - I invite you to tell me how this is not winning?
Play in a small venue, as a novice, to an audience of 5 - 50 if you're lucky. If you're even luckier, and quirky, or just dem fine, then they might even listen. Well done! Some of them might even come up to thank you at the end, and offer you further encouragement.
In Sheffield , there is an average footfall of tens of thousands of people on a busy weekend. Yes - that's right. You busk for 2 - 4 hours and you've been seen and heard by thousands of people. Slightly larger reach than facebook fanpage posts or open mike nights. True - most of them will walk on by, but you WILL become recognisable if you are a regular, and memorable if you are a stand out performer. You never know who is watching and listening.
When you step out onto the street for the first time - your knees knock. You slip and stumble. Your voice wavers. Everything that sounded perfect in practice suddenly sounds too dry, the melodies too quiet, the mistakes painfully loud. If you are a street performer - you will drop your props. In no way shape or form, unless you are some kind of deviant or savant - you completely shit yourself.
You can say this happens with every beginners performance - however, on the street is hugely more challenging as your audience have not been invited to watch nor paid for a ticket. They are most certainly NOT your friends, or at least that's how it seems when you are throwing your heart into your performance, and people are walking on by without a nod.
Push past it. Keep at it. It's worth it. The first time you get a 'chink' as someone drops a nugget in your hat is worth every second of knee knocking nervous agony. Keep at it. Someone will, sooner or later, approach, maybe tentatively, and tell you how much they enjoyed that particular song. How it reminded them of a long lost loved one, or moment.
Keep at it. It's worth it. Over time you develop an invisible, almost impenetrable shield, which allows you cover whilst you slip into the performance zone.. that magical place where you can nod and smile as passers by thank you and drop funds into your hat - as you are purely sat within your art form, and where initially the hubbub of the street was overpowering and monstrous, is now but a hummingbird or branches blowing in the breeze, in full compliment with your work. Do this 100x and your confidence will ooze from your every pore in more ways than just your performance.
Life Lessons in Psychology and Social Behaviour
As someone on the autistic spectrum - I have long struggled with how to behave amongst the others who aren't. Being high functioning I have hid this well - but have lost many friends and lost confidence along the way. At certain points in my life I have been nothing more than recluse and hermit like, hiding behind the sofa when the doorbell rings and shuddering at a ringing telephone. The minefield of human socialisation on many occasions, became something I didn't want to engage with ever again.
Working the street as a performer has helped me with this, and so many other areas that I can't begin to describe - in leaps and bounds, and like nothing else. You realise that people are nowhere near as scary as you imagined. You hold court in your spot - you claim the stage. The audience - once you get it right - are but putty in your hands, waiting for your next breath, even if a lot of them pretend they don't see it or admit it. I'll let you into a secret - most of them are painfully shy. Sometimes this comes out with irritating, dismal comments, such as "Get a real job" et al ad infi-shite-um.. And sometimes it means they won't approach you, or they will freeze if you speak to them. Once you realise your position, which, simply by being there and exuding the confidence in you that the street has multiplied, you call the shots, and you can coax them out of shyness, and maybe make them see some form of beauty again.
Or you could be a twat and fuck with their heads - but that's up to you. Point is - I LOVE BUSKING and will vehemently withstand any move to restrict it.
More on this to come later.
Ok - so we have managed to work out how to access google drive correctly, and also how much importance can be given to getting the correct email when attempting to access said drive. I have found this to have an unforgiving rate of 100% importance.
What this means is, we now have copies of the wonderful images Tim Dennell pressed into immortality during our Theatre Deli photoshoot. He is a truly talented photographer and an asset to Sheffield. His work has been featured on Guardian, BBC and Yahoo websites.
The Entire album can be found here - give it a click, I promise you will not be disappointed.
Anyway - for those of you wot can usually only be bothered clicking images of cute kittens, here's a selection of our favourites:
Actually, looking at that, there's almost every single pic from the collection on there... Oh well. Enjoy!