Here's how we fucking did it. I'm showing you how - you should ask yourselfwhy.
First - get some mother-fucking plywood. Enough to fit your beelubbering body on. This thing is going to be heavy as fuck when you've finished, and look brutal as a minotaur on GHB. Measure out points for holes - 1"square and then one in the middle. Use a fucking ruler or a length of fucking wood. The extra nail in the middle helps with bodily weight distribution but doubles the weight of the bed. Obv! Work out what size nail you need - we wanted 8 inch ones but apparently they only exist in the dreams of, well, people who like longer than usual nails. Pay particular attention to the width - your cunnylicking drill holes are going to want to be the exact same width as the bollocking nails. Then drill the fucking holes.
Ever notice how nails slightly resemble penises? My teenage daughter has and giggles about this loudly all day when you're making a fucking bed of nails.
Next step: Employ a willing helper, or bribe/blackmail an unwilling one. Imagine you are at dentist training school. Dentist drills, and assistant sucks. More tittering from teenagers present due to inadvertent sexual euphemisms:
Ok mother-fuckers, you now have a fuck ton of holes drilled and no mess. YOU CAN THANK ME WITH CASH.
Of course - you have been posting assmunching updates all over social media, like we did. These will include witty commentary thus:
Bed of No More Nails
After you've had a good old belly laugh with anyone who will listen about your bitchtitting hilarity, get on with knocking in those fucking nails. You will need about forty hours, unless you have some of these at your disposal:
Yes, the bastard teenagers come in handy once in a while. I take back what I said about sending them out at 13 to the fucking wilderness to be hunted by Minotaurs on GHB.
They will get bored and slope off to eat lollipops and blush at tits in horror movies once the sun goes down, so carry on knocking in those nails yourself, like the good cocknosed robot you are.
Once you've hit 1,825 nails nearly 7,300 times, you have something which, when you turn it over, and throw a cockwaffling potato at it, looks like this:
This is when you realise, you've nowhere to store it, and it's dangerous as fuck, to the point if you fall on the thing, you will, at the very fucking least, sustain terrible and grotesque injuries which will render you severely disabled, although not severe enough to pass an ATOS test, as you still have the use of your mother-fucking big toe, and therefore can type twatflapping words on a computer screen with it.
You lie on it anyway:
And declare it "just fine" so as to not loose face after spending over £200 in nails and two days worth of effort.
We're fucking idiots. If you follow these instructions you're a fucking idiot too and there really is no hope left for the twonkfarting human race.